An Argument for the Reinstatement of Cannibalism (inspired by: Time to Make the Donuts)
It is high time, mark it! HIGH TIME! I declare, for the silly notions of pesticides, artificial preservatives, unnatural sugars and rough things of the most unsavory sort to be pushed aside. I declare that the dawn of revolution is upon us. Human beings have been destroying their bodies with all manner of artificial materials for too long. Pesticides weaken our immune systems, unnatural sugars destroy the body and depress the mind, artificial preservatives encase the body and soul in a formaldehyde tomb from which we as a civilization may never escape. The time is now humans for us to take action. It is for the reasons stated that I believe we should reinstate the concept of cannibalism into our everyday lives.
Organic food has existed for centuries. Not only does it prolong life expectancy, it improves attractiveness to the opposite sex, clears the skin, hydrates the body, calms the nerves and increases the sex drive of its subscribers. We must be entrepreneurial in order to harness the power of this natural wonder. We must, in effect, be willing to discriminate weak from strong, smart from dumb. Right from wrong will most certainly sort itself out in due time. When you start discriminating right from wrong with your mind (no trans fat) and not your heart (which when devoured improves vision) you are playing GOD. Therefore I would like to propose the plan that will effectively render mankind capable of cannibalism (a most worthy practice).
First, we must begin the selection process. How does one choose whom to devour? We must be scientific to make such a determination. You must look at the quality of the skin. Freckles, frightful little specks of inhumanity, taste as good as freezer burn and should not be consumed. However, redheads, when marinated in Bailey’s Irish Cream make most delicious appetizers when served with a cracker. Thus, the attempt must be made to separate the redheads from the freckled. A freckled redhead is not preferred since one must overlook the inequities of one for the benefits of the other.
In addition to skin quality you must look at class structure. Though some of my more renegade colleagues would claim that such structures must not exist, that is a revolution almost frightening to consider. No, we will not venture into that dangerous territory of class abolishment, we must stay in the safer waters of cannibalistic societal values. The poor, though large in quantity, suffer in quality and since we embark on this journey to improve the health of all men it would seem anti-revolutionary to devour those most in need of our help. Likewise, the wealthy exist in such limited numbers that although their soft flesh may be the most delicious (and quite good when served with a Béchamel sauce with just a hint of nutmeg) they are necessary to determine the quality of the meat. Thus, by said process it is necessary that we should eat the middle class. Admittedly, since the majority of the population dwells in the middle classes, we have a large stock to choose from.
The middle class is generally healthy, attractive, fair skinned and well-marinated (a bit salty on the coasts but closer inland they are quite well seasoned). Their numbers and education guarantee that the loss will be neither felt nor misunderstood. The idea of “all for the greater good” is exactly the sort of thing that speaks to a middle class accustomed to going nowhere.
Now many will decry cannibalism as “barbaric” or “cannibalistic.” The latter, I cannot argue but the former breaks my heart. To be barbaric one must be disgusting or mishandle a situation. We would sacrifice the victims in a most human way. Suffocation would be our tool since the lack of oxygen (we are told) creates a kind of euphoria before death. I shan’t recognize any man who comes before me claiming that a euphoric death is “barbaric.” Such men are the types to throw the baby out with the bathwater for their lack of vision. The health of men crumbles around us and now, with the chance to resurrect a people, we must not be weighted down by the intolerable cries of the minority.
Cannibalism is the will of the silent majority and our voices shall be heard. Albeit, quietly.
