Why I Want To Be A Pirate by Charlie the Temp
Why do I want to be a pirate? Why would I want to partake in one of the most dangerous jobs on earth? For the same reason small children say they want to be “policemen,” “firemen,” or “astronauts.” Quite simply…for the sweet lovin’.
There is a specific direct correlation between the “desire” (D) to be a pirate and the amount of “sweet lovin’” (SL) that one can receive. Basically if you have the desire you must cultivate it and the sweet lovemaking will follow as proven by the below equation:
It’s all very simple really. The trick to understanding it is not to overanalyze.
If I were to be a pirate I would quickly reform the piracy system by implementing a series of revolutionary new concepts. First, the song “A Pirates Life For Me” is outdated and overdone. The lesser known tune “Don’t Stop Believing” by the indie group Journey would replace it. I feel far more motivated by “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Secondly, I would require all hooked or dangerous prosthetics be removed in favor of the less dangerous prosthetic mitten. Additionally, a mandatory tooth brushing time will be immediately implemented. Lastly, I know you can’t spell pirate without “rape” but the pirates reputation for sexual aggression has gotten way out of hand and we are going to have to cut down on the three “S’s”: stabbings, swearing and syphilis.
Piracy has always had a deeper resonance for me. My father used to be a carjacker until someone told him it was illegal and my mother would frequently bury wooden boxes in the backyard. It is in my blood. Also my grandfather is frequently trolling for booty so I have at least two generations of piracy flowing in my veins.
Oh and once I killed a man. Now that I think about it that is probably my main impetus.
