Lumberjacks and Lumberjills Dressed to the Gills

Asked to pick his Top Ten Favorite Films, Charlie the Temp scoured the earth (and his family room closet) for the answer. Listed below in no particular order are his top films.

-Gangs of New York
By far one of the most underrated films of the new millennium and with the exception perhaps of Kundun one of the most underrated films of the past decade of Martin Scorsese’s career. The film, is a massive triumph of cinema featuring an all-star cast including Daniel Day-Lewis, Leonardo DiCaprio, Cameron Diaz, Liam Neeson, Jim Broadbent and John C. Reilly.
The cinematography, editing, costumes and sets are all of the highest class and while the narrative could perhaps use some tightening in places (to cut down on the over two hours and forty minute running time) the performance of Daniel Day-Lewis rivets the screen, his character choices such as sacrificing his good looks for an enormous period-style moustache, eyebrows, and a glass eye as well as his perfectly creepy and geographically ambiguous accent make Bill “The Butcher” Cutting one of the greatest movie villains since Hannibal Lecter first came on the screen. Day-Lewis along with the uniformly excellent cast make this wonderful film truly jump off the screen. Greatest Moment: The first battle scene between the Natives and the Dead Rabbits.

-The Godfather
So much has been written about The Godfather being the greatest film in history that it has become the fashion of many to try to tear it down as overrated. I have to say that while the film may not be the greatest in history (Citizen Kane, anyone?) it is undeniably one of the exalted few that will be watched for the rest of the existence of film as a medium. The Godfather succeeds as a film, and especially as a mob movie, due to its multifaceted views of a blue collar life. The men perform terrible acts of cruelty but all in the name of “family.”
Men are murdered but always following the death you see the family surrounding them, defending them in the next scene. It is this strength of morals that makes the characters sympathetic and relatable. In Marlon Brando’s Don Corleone we see the ultimate father-figure, a family man who expects great things of his children while at the same time trying to spare them the pain he suffers. A puppetmaster trying to make sure his kids don’t get tied hung by the strings he controls, it is Brando’s enigmatic figure that sets the tone for the film and the rest of the trilogy. The cast, forever frozen in youth of Al Pacino, Diane Keaton, Robert Duvall, James Caan and Talia Shire, all create multidimensional and complex individuals out of their written characters. Greatest Moment: The last series of murders as ordered by Michael.

-All That Jazz
A complicated semi-autobiographical portrayal of one of the greatest showmen in the history of theatre, film and television, All That Jazz represents Bob Fosse’s attempt to chronicle and come to terms with his complex, workaholic personality. Ironically, Fosse would die the same way as his autobiographical character (played by Academy Award nominee Roy Schneider), heart complications would eventually take his life.
The film moves at rapid-fire pace and through conversations with an incarnation of Death (played by Jessica Lange) The incredible choreography (specifically the transcendent “Take Off With Us”) conjures an anything-goes sense of desperation. Dance and showboating (”It’s showtime!” originates from this film) make Gideon live a fast-paced but loveless life of work, sex, drugs, alcohol. Of course Fosse, never one to get too sappy, downplays this central theme almost to a fault. A wonderful film with stellar performances and excellent direction and choreography, this justifies musical theatre as both a theatrical and cinematic art form. Greatest Moment: The inversion of the song “Bye, Bye Love”

- A Streetcar Named Desire
I constantly cite A Streetcar Named Desire as one of the few films you could pause at any moment and hang the picture on your wall. The breathtaking cinematography and the incredible pictures painted by director Elia Kazan add texture to the layered and complicated performances of Marlon Brando and Vivian Leigh. The film based on the play by Tennessee Williams and in many ways due to the performance of Brando released a wave of sexuality upon the American cinema. Originally censored by the Catholic Legion of Decency, the film has been rereleased in the directors cut which adds in the sexuality that was heretofore cut from the original. The bad-boy image Brando would later cultivate started with Streetcar and would make him the most famous movie star in the world. Truly one of the great classics of film. Greatest Moment: The silence just before Blanche is raped by Stanley

-Young Frankenstein
One of the funniest movies ever committed to film Young Frankenstein remains fresh to this day. The slapstick and vaudevillian sense of humor that Mel Brooks would cultivate would set the tone for a whole generation of film spoofs. The performances of Cloris Leachman, Madeline Kahn, Peter Boyle and especially Marty Feldman still have the power to make nearly any (living) person laugh. Look for a cameo from Gene Hackman as The Blind Man. Greatest Moment: Madeline Kahn in bed with Peter Boyle as the Monster.

-Pan’s Labyrinth
Proof that there still exists a reason to go to the movies this Best Foreign Film nominated picture is a master class in getting it right in cinema. The film delves into the mind of a little girl living in fascist Spain and her escape from that world into her own mind. As her stepfather murders rebels in the hills she creates a subconscious fantasy world that director Guillermo Del Toro never allows the audience to know whether it exists or not. At times frightening, at others funny and every range of emotions in between the film displays the disturbance of youth by the rages of the world and the proliferation of the concept that imagination will triumph in the hardest of times. Greatest Moments: The first and last shots of the film.

-Singin’ In The Rain
The standard against which all movie musicals are compared to. Singin’ In The Rain has proven itself over the course of history to be one of the most endearing film classics. With wonderful performances by Gene Kelly, Donald O’Connor and Debbie Reynolds and choreography by Kelly the film has managed to transcend time. The iconic image of Gene Kelly swinging from the lamppost is ingrained in popular culture and the film succeeds much as the recent movie musical Hairspray succeeds because it does not try to be a huge film, it is a small film with a huge heart. The buoyant energy of the performances makes the film absolutely explode. Greatest Moment: Gene Kelly singin’ in the rain.

-Moulin Rouge!
When Moulin Rouge soars it soars to the highest heights. Utilizing modern dance and contemporary music, Baz Luhrman’s film has one of the highest ADHD factors in film. The fantastic cast includes Ewan McGregor, Nicole Kidman, John Leguizamo and Jim Broadbent. McGregor has a beautiful voice with an incredible tenor range and plays well opposite of the less powerful but no less gifted Nicole Kidman. The images, the colors, the sounds, the lights all create a charged atmosphere of highly kinetic energy waiting to erupt. Featuring music from Elton John, The Police, Nirvana, Frank Sinatra, Paul McCartney, Kiss, U2, The Wallflowers, The Beatles, Madonna, Queen and more Moulin Rouge! is a movie musical for a new generation and it succeeds on nearly every level. Greatest Moment: The Elephant Love Medley

-Pulp Fiction
Quentin Tarantino’s satirical look at pop culture, film, violence and dozens of other subjects ranks as one of the greatest films ever committed to celluloid. The characters pontificate on any number of subjects and in the classic Tarantino style talk about everything other than the fact that they are about to commit murder. The ensemble of actors includes John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson (the heart of the film), Uma Thurman, Tim Roth, Ving Rhames, Bruce Willis, Amanda Plummer and Harvey Keitel and Christopher Walken (in great cameos). The mixed structure and the dark comedy makes this a film worth watching over and over again. Greatest Moment: Christopher Walken’s cameo.

-One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
Jack Nicholson gives one of the finest performances in a career full of fine performances. He is assisted by Louise Fletcher as the intolerable Nurse Ratchet and the wonderful presences of Will Sampson and Brad Dourif as Chief and Billy, respectively. The film hits on the broader themes of friendship, trust, desperation and nonconformity. The horrifying ending of Nicholson’s McMurphy hits home the societal tendency to thrust conformity upon the unwilling. This movie will go down in history as one of the greatest to grace the screen due to the wonderful performances and subtle touch of Milos Forman.

This posts’s YouTube theme is Dance. Charlie the Temp has assembled for you what he considers the most incredible assortment of dance videos in the history of mankind. Enjoy.

-Thriller Indian Style (make sure you have your volume on!)

-For some reason Thriller is just hilarious to me.

-Indian Midget Robot

-Who says white boys can’t dance?

-The Evolution of Dance

-Funny Japanese Dance

-Treadmill Dance

-Robot Dance (get’s good about 30 seconds in)

-Incredible Samsung Coordinated Dance

-An AMAZING breakdancer

It is high time, mark it! HIGH TIME! I declare, for the silly notions of pesticides, artificial preservatives, unnatural sugars and rough things of the most unsavory sort to be pushed aside. I declare that the dawn of revolution is upon us. Human beings have been destroying their bodies with all manner of artificial materials for too long. Pesticides weaken our immune systems, unnatural sugars destroy the body and depress the mind, artificial preservatives encase the body and soul in a formaldehyde tomb from which we as a civilization may never escape. The time is now humans for us to take action. It is for the reasons stated that I believe we should reinstate the concept of cannibalism into our everyday lives.

Organic food has existed for centuries. Not only does it prolong life expectancy, it improves attractiveness to the opposite sex, clears the skin, hydrates the body, calms the nerves and increases the sex drive of its subscribers. We must be entrepreneurial in order to harness the power of this natural wonder. We must, in effect, be willing to discriminate weak from strong, smart from dumb. Right from wrong will most certainly sort itself out in due time. When you start discriminating right from wrong with your mind (no trans fat) and not your heart (which when devoured improves vision) you are playing GOD. Therefore I would like to propose the plan that will effectively render mankind capable of cannibalism (a most worthy practice).

First, we must begin the selection process. How does one choose whom to devour? We must be scientific to make such a determination. You must look at the quality of the skin. Freckles, frightful little specks of inhumanity, taste as good as freezer burn and should not be consumed. However, redheads, when marinated in Bailey’s Irish Cream make most delicious appetizers when served with a cracker. Thus, the attempt must be made to separate the redheads from the freckled. A freckled redhead is not preferred since one must overlook the inequities of one for the benefits of the other.

In addition to skin quality you must look at class structure. Though some of my more renegade colleagues would claim that such structures must not exist, that is a revolution almost frightening to consider. No, we will not venture into that dangerous territory of class abolishment, we must stay in the safer waters of cannibalistic societal values. The poor, though large in quantity, suffer in quality and since we embark on this journey to improve the health of all men it would seem anti-revolutionary to devour those most in need of our help. Likewise, the wealthy exist in such limited numbers that although their soft flesh may be the most delicious (and quite good when served with a Béchamel sauce with just a hint of nutmeg) they are necessary to determine the quality of the meat. Thus, by said process it is necessary that we should eat the middle class. Admittedly, since the majority of the population dwells in the middle classes, we have a large stock to choose from.

The middle class is generally healthy, attractive, fair skinned and well-marinated (a bit salty on the coasts but closer inland they are quite well seasoned). Their numbers and education guarantee that the loss will be neither felt nor misunderstood. The idea of “all for the greater good” is exactly the sort of thing that speaks to a middle class accustomed to going nowhere.

Now many will decry cannibalism as “barbaric” or “cannibalistic.” The latter, I cannot argue but the former breaks my heart. To be barbaric one must be disgusting or mishandle a situation. We would sacrifice the victims in a most human way. Suffocation would be our tool since the lack of oxygen (we are told) creates a kind of euphoria before death. I shan’t recognize any man who comes before me claiming that a euphoric death is “barbaric.” Such men are the types to throw the baby out with the bathwater for their lack of vision. The health of men crumbles around us and now, with the chance to resurrect a people, we must not be weighted down by the intolerable cries of the minority.

Cannibalism is the will of the silent majority and our voices shall be heard. Albeit, quietly.

Why do I want to be a pirate? Why would I want to partake in one of the most dangerous jobs on earth? For the same reason small children say they want to be “policemen,” “firemen,” or “astronauts.” Quite simply…for the sweet lovin’.

There is a specific direct correlation between the “desire” (D) to be a pirate and the amount of “sweet lovin’” (SL) that one can receive. Basically if you have the desire you must cultivate it and the sweet lovemaking will follow as proven by the below equation:

It’s all very simple really. The trick to understanding it is not to overanalyze.

If I were to be a pirate I would quickly reform the piracy system by implementing a series of revolutionary new concepts. First, the song “A Pirates Life For Me” is outdated and overdone. The lesser known tune “Don’t Stop Believing” by the indie group Journey would replace it. I feel far more motivated by “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Secondly, I would require all hooked or dangerous prosthetics be removed in favor of the less dangerous prosthetic mitten. Additionally, a mandatory tooth brushing time will be immediately implemented. Lastly, I know you can’t spell pirate without “rape” but the pirates reputation for sexual aggression has gotten way out of hand and we are going to have to cut down on the three “S’s”: stabbings, swearing and syphilis.

Piracy has always had a deeper resonance for me. My father used to be a carjacker until someone told him it was illegal and my mother would frequently bury wooden boxes in the backyard. It is in my blood. Also my grandfather is frequently trolling for booty so I have at least two generations of piracy flowing in my veins.

Oh and once I killed a man. Now that I think about it that is probably my main impetus.